Random Bits 12
by Nashiil
Summary: Final Chapter is UP! Follow our favoite Summoner as she and her Guardians experience theft, revenge, and no Agency vacancies. You know, all the little joys that go with traveling!
1. Chapter 1

Wow! Look, it's Random Bits 12! I've been working on this one for weeks. It's not finished yet, but I just couldn't wait to start posting, so here's chapter1!

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 1

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). Weary from all that hard praying, they stop at the campsite in Macalania Woods, but a stay at a Travel Agency would be nice…

**Macalania Woods **- Campsite- Our heroes are just arriving, short tempered from a long walk through bitter cold with full bladders (which no one had been willing to risk emptying in sub-zero temperatures for fear of what might happen).

After leaving the privacy of their respective concealing bushes, the companions gathered around the clearing, leaving several liters of ammonia to burn the surrounding vegetation and seriously upset the soil pH levels.

As they huddled around a small cooking fire, Auron wondered about Tidus' sudden bout of angelic behavior during their visit to the temple. He had been the epitome of courtly behavior, and the model teenager, doing a sterling job of ignoring the odd comments about full moons and the storm of giggles that hit whenever he passed young nuns. It had been an amazing feat considering that practically the whole temple still remembered the Day of the Public Pantsing(which had become a sort of unofficial holy day for the nuns).Tidus had obviously remembered because events like that tend to stick in the mind. He would have gladly traded having a Ronso hit him in the nadgers with a sledge hammer if it would insure that no one would mention the Temple Pantsing ever again.

Auron 'harrumphed' as he glanced at the path to the Spring, remembering when he had been ambushed by the Vengeful Pantsed Fiend. He turned a mild frown on the blond blitz ball star and wasn't surprised by the wicked grin that was returned. Tidus remembered too.

As night fell and the various nocturnal insects came out to keep everyone awake, Kimahri pulled three tents out of his hairy posterior. Yes, that is were he keeps all of his Items. (Watch him, he really does.) It was the safest place to keep them he maintained, theorizing that no one would ever think to look for them there. If he happened to fall in battle, looters would also hesitate. Hence all items in there were safe from thieves, highwaymen, bandits, and pirates, unless they were a special kind of pirate.

Once the tents were up and sufficiently aired out everyone said their goodnights and hit the bedroll. All except one. There is always one. Tidus tossed and turned in his lonely tent, shifting around restlessly. No one had wanted to share a tent with him since he tended to play blitz ball in his sleep. Giving up on sleep, the blond decided to afflict his companions with his presence. Why suffer alone when you can make others suffer with you? With those comforting thoughts Tidus crawled out of his tent.

Auron heard someone approaching the tent he shared with Wakka(dead to the world asleep) and Kimahri(tense and ready to spring).

_Please don't let it be…_

"Auron?" Tidus called in a loud whisper.

_…Tidus._ "What do you want?" the Legendary Guardian hissed, casting sleep on the Ronso to keep him from spreading the boy evenly over the campsite.

"I can't sleep." Tidus replied, poking his head into the tent. "The background music is keeping me awake."

Auron sighed explosively, wheezed, and glared at Wakka and Kimahri's sleeping forms. One of them had floated a serious air biscuit.

"Just be glad its not battle music and go to sleep." he replied.

"But its too…" Tidus began in tone of voice that told the older man that he wasn't going to shut up until he was sure he'd made his point. In order to save his sanity and get a word in edgewise, Auron cast Silence on the chattering teen. For the life of him, the Warrior Monk could not figure our what the Sin spawn found so disturbing about this particular area's background music. It was such a calm and soothing melody, perfect for sleeping. After a few moments consideration, he came to the conclusion that Tidus had a natural aversion to anything calm and soothing.

"Sounds nice and quiet to me," Auron replied cheerfully, fluffing up his pillow and laying back down, "Well, goodnight."

"…" Tidus replied.

"Close the flap tight when you leave. I don't want any bugs getting in." Auron mumbled, not looking forward to waking up with a giant bug on his back.

"…" Tidus said angrily, and stomped back to his tent.

Rikku crawled out of the tent she shared with Yuna and Lulu. The morning sunshine created a dappled pattern in the grass that made Rikku think of chocolate chip cookies. Her stomach growled, demanding to be fed. Moments later, it was whimpering in fear that it would be fed. "Eeww!" Rikku moaned quietly when she saw what was for breakfast. Her stomach tried to hide behind her spine. "Yunie, Auron's making Whatever Stew, again."

Whatever Stew was Auron's own invention, and consisted of whatever was laying around that may or may not be edible. He held to the philosophy that anything was edible if it was boiled, roasted, or simmered long enough.

Yuna glanced at the furiously boiling pot. "Well, maybe it will be edible this time?" Her hopes were hit over their metaphorical heads, trussed, stuffed in a car trunk, and then driven off a cliff, when Wakka returned from his foraging expedition. In his hands he held a stingy mass of green stuff covered in small yellow bladders( air bladders, not urinary bladders). "Here, brudda," he said, holding the detestable mass out to Auron. " I found this green stuff floating on the surface of the Spring." Auron took it, dropping the mess into the pot with a grunt of " What, no grubs?"

"Maybe Tidus or Kimahri found some, ya?" the red-haired man replied.

"Hmph."

Moments later, the broken horned Ronso returned with a pulpy mass of what was left of an Iguon, recognizable only by the few scraps of hide still clinging to it. Yuna barely managed to disguise a gag behind a lady-like cough as the carcass splashed into the roiling broth, followed by the handful of questionable fruit Tidus brought. Chunky, odiferous, and greasy, the horrid brew was the foulest looking suspension Auron had ever concocted. I could have been eaten without gagging if one tried to think about it no farther than 'that's the meat, those are the vegetables, and these are the spuds, but there was just no ignoring the unidentifiable 'floaties' bobbing on the surface. It was the Unsent Monk's crowning achievement.

A welcome distraction in the form of a Rainbow Butterfly, fluttered on to the scene (of what might turn out to resemble "Jones Town" after eating the stew). It drifted around the three women, circling the only tidy part of the camp. It is always cleaner when women are around. And you can always tell when women are accompanying the men on a trip. The campsite, tent, or rented room always seems to have that invisible line down the middle. One side is cluttered and dirty, and the other side is nice and tidy. It is on this side that the women will be found.

Dancing and twirling on the breeze, the butterfly drew the classic 'oooh's' and 'ahhh's' from the girls before fluttering away. It's random flight pattern brought it to where the men (three men, and one adolescent if you want to be precise about it) were cooking (arguing, ranting, and getting in each other's way, which is the only way to do it properly. Oh, and it was on the messy side of camp).

Tidus suddenly gasped in awe as the multihued butterfly glided up and alighted (that means 'landed' ) on a piece of Iguon floating on the unsteady surface of the soup. Wakka and the Ronso studied it for a minute or two, then wandered off. They had more masculine things to do, like poking things with sticks, and watching Yuna, respectively. The butterfly sat unbothered by the roiling heaving of its perch, beating its wings in a gentle rhythm as if drawing breath.

"A Rainbow Butterfly!" Tidus breathed in wonder, leaning in for a closer look, and possibly to touch it (since he was one of those people who were never taught to look with their eyes and not with their hands). Auron looked down at the butterfly, then unceremoniously stirred it into the stew.

"What?" he demanded as the three 'X's and one 'Y' gasped in disbelieving horror. "It's protein." Aruon snapped defensively "Very good for you, protein."

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Raise your hand if you want some Whatever Stew! 


	2. Chapter 2

Yay, I'm posting again! It's about 9:40pm (at least according to Central Time), and I just had to post before I went to bed(yes, that's right, I go to bed before 10:00pm. I even like to be asleep before 9:30pm if I can!). Anyway,here's chapter 2. This one is dedicated to everyone who ever blurted out an unintentional innuendo.

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 2

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). Weary from all that hard praying, they stop at the campsite in Macalania Woods, but a stay at a Travel Agency would be nice…

**Macalania Woods **- Campsite- Auron's culinary specialty is finally ready. After a few minutes of nervous shuffling over who was going to try it first, lunch has gotten underway.

Rikku stared at her bowl, prodding a chunk of _something _with her spoon. "What do you think it is?" she asked her older companions. Lulu shrugged, coming dangerously close to falling out of the front of her dress, and causing Tidus to giggle into his stew. He wisely disguised it as a cough.

"Could be Iguon, could be that fruit stuff." she replied, giving the innocent looking Tidus a crimson glare that made his stew smolder.

"How can they eat this stuff?" the blond Al Bhed girl asked.

Yuna shrugged.

"Why do we let Auron cook, again?" Lulu asked, flicking a drowning fly (one of the hazards of dining outdoors) off the edge of her bowl.

"Don't make fun," Yuna gently chided "He tries."

"He could try a little harder." Lulu replied ruthlessly.

"Well, you know men and fires." Rikku chimed in. "It's a guy thing."

Whatever Stew was a dish best served cold, since it gave the fat time to congeal on the surface where it could neatly be scraped off (along with the 'floaties'). It was healthier with all the fat taken out, according to the females in the group. They sat in a companionable huddle away from the guys, where they could talk about them without being overheard.

They watched as Auron scooped up a waxy spoonful of cold fat (with small green streaks in it) off the top of his stew, and with blatant relish, shoved it into his mouth. Lulu gagged. Tidus was gobbling the stuff like it was chocolate, while Kimahri lapped his up with all the enthusiasm of a stray cat eating out of a garbage can. As they watched, Wakka helped himself to the thick clumps the girls had dumped back into the pot, pausing to pick a multicolored butterfly wing out of his teeth.

An hour later the whole group was trying to break camp while scratching at various rashes that had developed on their skin. They ranged from bumpy to blotchy, and came in a variety of shades of red and purple. Wakka by far was in the worst shape, covered in hives and with his lips swollen up to twice their size. Apparently Rainbow Butterflies were poisonous. Fortunately, it was nothing a little Esuna couldn't fix.

"Are you sure you don't want me to cast Esuna?" Yuna asked her long time Guardian. The Auroch's captain shook his head and replied in a voice that dripped saliva

"No. I fiil justht guret, thankths."

"You sure?"

"I'm phine."

Yuna couldn't help but stare at his lips. The surfaces of the delicate organs were a bright red. Each was swollen to humorous proportion, and covered in small pustules filled with a clear yellow fluid. His lips looked like miniature bumpy blimps barely moored to his face. Every time he spoke, Yuna fought to resist the impulse to step back in case one of them broke open and sprayed her with their nastiness. They seemed to be getting bigger.

Yuna dethided, I mean, decided, to cure him anyway. She couldn't stand to see anyone suffering, and anyway, she was having a hard time not laughing at the man's lips.

"Look, a Cactaur!" Rikku squealed in sudden delight. Camp activity ceased as everyone turned to look in the direction the Al Bhed girl was pointing. Under a luminescent tree, a cactaur was curiously inspecting a pile of gear.

"What's it doing way out here?" Lulu inquired, coming to stand beside Rikku. "They don't usually come out this far." The little green creature squatted down and began digging in a bag.

"You want Kimahri smash?" the Ronso rumbled, cracking his massive knuckles.

"No, thank you, Kimahri." Yuna replied calmly, having dealt with similar situations before. "I'll call you if something needs smashing." The blue Ronso grunted, then returned to stowing away the tents.

"Hey!" Tidus cried in alarm as he saw that the little ambulating cactus was not digging in just any old bag. It was digging in _his_ bag, and had just pulled out his emergency Boring Situation survival kit. "It's got my crayons!" he shouted, lunging at the prickly thief. Contrary to all belief, cactaurs are actually quite intelligent. Most of them are brilliant mathematicians. Seeing an approximately 150 pound human falling towards it at a rate of about a half foot per second, it calculated that there were three seconds to impact, and that it would go _splat! _Thinking quickly, the cactaur squeaked mischievously, spun out of the way, and used Tidus's head to leap into the safety of the tree.

Tidus tried to climb the slippery trunk while the green creature, safe in the boughs of the tree, taunted him. After about five minutes the boy gave up and resorted to dancing impotently around the trunk, cursing, shouting, and throwing the occasional, poorly aimed rock.

Seated on a branch in plain view, the succulent tasted one of the colorful wax sticks.

"It's eating my crayons!" Tidus gasped dramatically.

"Can we please go now?" sighed Auron, patience running out.

"But, my crayons,"

"Let's just go."

"Not without my crayons!"

"Fine," Auron sighed. "Wakka, give me your blitz ball."

"Don't give it to him!" Tidus growled, thrusting an accusing finger at Auron, "He'll pop it. He's a _ball popper_." The last was delivered with a dark grimace and enough venom to poison a full grown Shoopuff. Auron rolled his eye heavenward.

"Are you _still_ upset about that? It was an accident and you know it."

"Liar." the blond grumbled, holding on to Wakka's arm lest he try to hand the precious ball over.

"Oh, come on!"

"Ball Popper, Ball Popper! I'm never letting you touch my balls again."

Tidus paused, his mind performing an innuendo spell-check. He realized that he'd made a poor choice of words in his sentence construction, and his social image was going to suffer. On the outside, the boy's lips crawled back into his mouth and his tongue tried to hide in his throat from the horror it had just unleashed.

"Wait! That's not what I meant! I…I…uh…" Tidus stuttered in a rapid fire attempt to shoot down the escaped words before they did irreparable damage. But, as with all words, there is no way to unsay them once they are let loose. There was no collaring the rabid dog of poorly worded statements and it fell upon the companions, frothing and snarling in all it's perverseness.

While Tidus' brain suffered a total system shut down from a massive embarrassment overload, Lulu took matters into her own hands. A bolt of lightning struck the branch the Cactuar was sitting on with a boom, missing the little succulent by inches. Even Black Mages have their off days. The little desert dweller flipped off the branch and hopped away, stopping on a nearby rock to slap it's prickly backside mockingly, before skittering off with it's prize.

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Have fun remembering your embarassing comment! Please support the Adopt a Cactaur Foundation (send gil!). 


	3. Chapter 3

WOOT! It's Chapter 3! Sorry I didn't update sooner, but you have one schedule, and the world has another. Thanks to all who reviewed, or just read the other two chapters!

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 3

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). An all too brief stay in Macalania Woods leaves our heroes wishing for a nice long rest at a Travel Agency…

**Thunder Plains** - North - Yuna and Company are just emerging from the woods, trailed by Spira's most desperate salesman.

"Are you sure I couldn't interest you in the latest Potions? No? they're guaranteed to work twice as good as last year's stock. I'll give you a discount! 20 gil each! How about one of these spheres? All the rage in Luca, they are. This one's got a nice recording of a handsome young man…disrobing to music. The ladies in Luca love it--!

"No thanks, we have that one." Rikkus replied brusquely, in regards to the sphere O'aka was holding out to her.

"Oh, well how 'bout this one? It's got a humorous recording of a practical joke involving a machina running off with a man's pants while he hangs upside down at Mi'ihen."

"No. We have that one too." Auron replied vehemently, mentally reliving that particular bad memory. "Just keep walking and don't make eye contact!" he hissed urgently to his companions as he hustled them ahead of him like a hen shooing her chicks.

"How 'bout you friend?" O'aka asked Tidus, bobbing around him like a small moon. Salesmen just seemed to gravitate towards him. They know a sucker when they see one, especially when they have seen him before. "Help me out, pal? Just one Item? Salesmen gotta eat too, you know. How about this level 4 key sphere? Only one dropped by Sin itself!"

_Just like the other fifty in his bag. _Auron thought nastily. It is inescapable. No matter what universe you live in, there will always be pushy salesmen (or women, let's not discriminate) ready to sell dodgy, shady, and questionable merchandise to the unwary.

"Come on, help a fellow man out."

Lulu gave the man a look that said that in no way, shape, or form did Lulu consider him to be a fellow _anything_.

Grinning nervously, Tidus stammered numerous excuses while giving his companions desperate looks that screamed for help, all of which were ignored. In the game of 'Avoid the Salesman', it was every man, woman, and Ronso for themselves. Sometimes, a sacrifice for the good of the pack had to be made.

Tidus finally made an escape by pointing in some random direction and shouting "Look, _tourists_!" then legging it away. You help out the O'aka Merchant Empire one time, and you never get them off your back.

Free of O'aka's presence, the Guardianship continued on it's way, sticking close to the towers. While walking around wet was one of the most uncomfortable ways to travel, no one dared open an umbrella. It is never a good idea to walk around with six inches of steel held over your head during a storm. That's just asking for trouble. It is also a bad idea to pet a cat during a storm, which was why there was a discreet ring of empty space around the Ronso. If the blue humanoid noticed, he didn't comment. He never said much of anything anyway.

Thunder boomed overhead. Rikku and Yuna both jumped and quickly covered their midsections with a hand. "Tidus," Rikku whispered frantically to the boy walking next to her "Quick, cover your belly button!"

"What? Why?" Tidus asked, flinching as another crack of thunder sounded overhead.

"So the thunder gods won't steal your belly button!"

"What?" Tidus asked in a whisper that carried a hint of fear.

"If you don't cover your belly button during a thunderstorm," Yuna whispered "Then the thunder gods will come down and take it away!"

"'S right, brudda." Wakka said. The blond looked at each of his friends, all of whom were covering their belly buttons, even Auron (who trying to pretend like he wasn't. Superstitions were for kids, after all).Tidus thought about it for five seconds, then covered his own belly button, just to be safe.

"You mean, like the arm that can come out of the toilet?" he asked fearfully, after several moments of silence.

"What arm?" Yuna asked in morbid fascination.

"Where I come from, there's this arm, see," Tidus explained in a whisper, forcing his companions to crowd around in horror story formation. "And it lives in the toilet. And when you are sitting there, doing your business, it can come up and grab you!"

A shudder raced from spine to spine, causing the 'creeps', 'goose-bumps', 'shivers', 'heebee-jeebee's' and other manner of spine-tinglers that may accompany horror stories.

"Is that why you don't have a bathroom?" Lulu asked.

"That's why." The young man replied.

They continued on.

"I hate being wet!" Rikku grumbled, starting a deluge of complaining. Tidus, who had been occupying himself by practicing his lightning bolt dodging, piped up brightly, "I'll fix it!" The teen dashed out to the middle of the road and did the Lucky Dance while singing 'Rain, Rain, Go Away.' He got as far as 'Come again a ' before the Luck gods couldn't stand it anymore and did a little smiting.

As everyone watched, a bolt of lightning lit the area with a brilliant flash. After the yelps of surprise died away the companions found themselves staring at the smoking remains of what had once been Tidus' shoes. There was on sign of the blond (I.e. blackened chunks or scattered ashes).

"Oh!" Yuna gasped in horror, covering her mouth with a slender hand. "Stand back, I'm going to use Full-Life!" she said, pulling out her Nirvana Staff.

"Put that away!" Auron barked gruffly, a hint of panic in his voice. "What are you thinking, swinging a metal rod around in a storm? Besides," he continued, muttering into his collar "That spell costs 60 MP."

"Here, I'll use a Phoenix Down." Wakka offered, tossing a phial on the still smoking shoes. Everyone waited for several seconds while absolutely nothing happened.

"Yunie…" Rikku quavered uncertainly, clutching her cousin's arm while the young Summoner stared at the charred ground. A heavy silence was just settling itself over the group when a small, insistent sound caught Rikku's attention.

"Pssst! Pssst! Hey, could somebody bring me my shoes?"

Rikku tried to look in several directions at once, giving herself the appearance of a startled chicken. Spotting a flash of yellow, she shrieked in glee. "There he is!"

Relief washed through the group, instigating a synchronized sag as the tension ran out.

"You were worried." Lulu teased Auron as Yuna, Wakka, and Rikku ran to where Tidus was crouched behind a boulder.

"No," The older Guardian replied after a moment. "Just hopeful."

After putting on his much abused shoes, Tidus inspected the large rock he had taken refuge behind. "It's a magic Cactaur Stone." Rikku chirped excitedly. You could tell it was a Cactaur Stone by the graffiti scrawled on it (which was probably pornographic if you turned your head to the right and squinted. Most of it is). Yes, even Spira has graffiti. It can be seen scrawled in bathroom walls, signs, and even on the mountain faces (in really big letters). Graffiti had gotten so bad, that after having to repaint the Celcius five times, Cid put out a petition that led to the enactment of a law concerning graffiti. The law stated that if the delinquents wanted to tag anything, they at least had to include an awesome graphic and write their message in Al Bhed (which at least looked decorative). Incidentally, the graffiti on the wall in the Auroch's locker room was written by Keepa, and is a note to the janitor stating 'Third toilet from the right is bunged up. Call Roto Rooter.'

"Can we please leave now?" Lulu inquired archly as her patience fizzled out. " I'm soaked, tired, and I need a shower."

Tidus couldn't stop himself. His mouth opened of it's own volition as it experienced a sudden bout of verbal diarrhea. "You sure do! I can smell you from here."

Kimahri's fur stood on end in an uncontrollable panic reaction. The boy was insane! The Ronso started to edge away from the Black Mage, noticing that his companions were doing the same. Wakka, after living with Lulu for so many years, as perfected his method of escape down to an art. He could sidle away faster than a crab on a skillet.

"What?" Lulu asked in an eerily sweet voice that sent Auron 'hurrying' away shamelessly. Unable to hear the mental countdown going on in Lulu's head, Tidus replied "I said 'I can smell you from here.'" he dug in his bag for a moment then said "Do you want bar soap, or shower gel, 'cause I've got both--!"

Lulu was suddenly one inch (that's 2.54 centimeters) away, and tightly pinching Tidus through his shirt. His eyes went wide and he squeaked in a satisfying way. It was in no way an ordinary kind of pinch. This was the Grandma Pinch. My older readers should know what the Grandma Pinch is. This was before someone decided that parents _shouldn't_ punish their children for doing something _wrong._ Remember when you were about four or five, and you did something wrong (or dangerous) that really made your grandma mad? If she was like my grandma, she would grab your skin between thumb and forefinger and not just pinch, but _twist. _That is the Grandma Pinch. It stung like a thousand bees and left a bruise, but you never did what ever it was you did, again. Ahh, the good old days!

" If you don't shut up, I'm going to kick you so hard that Jecht will be floating around with a limp. Get what I'm saying?" Lulu hissed savagely before letting go.

"Loud and clear." Tidus squeaked.

Drawn by the commotion, an Iron Giant leaped out at Lulu and Tidus, brandishing its sword. Lulu turned a gimlet gaze on it as it lumbered towards them. The fiend stumbled to a halt under the scathing glare and stood with its sword half raised in uncertainty. After a moment more of broiling in its own armor under the heat of the mage's gaze, it began fidgeting like a naughty child.

"Bugger off." Lulu snapped. The Iron Giant dropped its sword and fled.

"Here they come." Wakka called, scrambling down from the boulder he was using as a crow's nest. Seated outside the Travel Agency, Yuna and her four remaining Guardians were patiently waiting for the end of Hurricane Lulu.

"They?" Auron asked from where he was slouching against the door, projecting an air of ultimate cool (Some people got it, some people don't). "You mean, she _didn't _kill him?"

"Yep. He's walking next to her, and without a limp, too." Wakka replied.

"Hmph! Lulu must be getting soft." Auron snorted.

"Shh-hh! She's coming." Rikku hissed.

Lulu swept into their midst with Tidus in tow, trailing in her wake like a nervous boat. Auron was about to make a snide comment about the Black Mage (being Unsent has its advantages, like not having to worry about trivial things like bodily harm), when Rikku pointed excitedly and cried "Look, how _cute!" _somehow managing to pronounce the italics.

Nothing can cause the kind of panic that those three little words can when used by a female. It's the heart-racing, dry-mouthed, sweating bullets panic that men experience when their girl sees something cute. This simple phrase is usually followed by the man ending up a) buying said object, b) carrying it, c) wearing it, or d) all of the above.

"Oh, how _adorable! _('kawaii', if you know Japanese)" Yuna gasped and made ready to run. Auron managed to grab both girls firmly by an arm as they tried to run past him and inspect the cactaur that had appeared across from the Agency.

"Don't look at it," he said in an almost pleading tone. " They're like strays. If you touch one, you'll never get rid of it. Just back away slowly and don't make eye contact."

It was too late. Noticing that it was being adored, the little green succulent scooted up to the trio. It set down a small tin cup and held up a cardboard sign on which was scrawled in red crayon 'Will dance fro gil'(no, it did not have punctuation.)

Auron was hit by a double 'wobbly eye' from both sides.

"Can we keep it?"

"Please?"

"No." The Warrior Monk replied in what he hoped was a firm tone.

"Pleeeaaasseee?"

Auron glanced at the two girls, then down at the cactaur. It held up its sign and squeaked hopefully.

"Push off, you!" Auron snapped.

Undeterred, the ambulating cactus did a little dance, which left Yuna and Rikku tickled pink. Auron began to waver. He never had been any good at telling Yuna no.

Seeing that his fellow 'Y' chromosome sharing human was falling victim to the Batting Eyelashes and Puppy Eyes combo, Tidus came to the rescue. Besides, that little cactaur was the same jerk who stole his crayons. Taking a running start, Tidus punted the cactaur. It was an impressive kick, and it sent the creature sailing off down the road.

"Yessss!" Tidus crowed, noticing that his enemy had dropped battle loot. "My crayons!" he said excitedly as he scooped them up and did his victory sequence.

"Stop doing that before you chop someone's arm off!" Lulu snapped as Tidus' sword sliced by her face. Pouting, Tidus put his sword away and did his Victory Dance, which he knew Auron hated. The dance was cut short as his orbit brought him face to face with two very unhappy girls.

You could have cut steel with the looks Rikku and Yuna were giving Tidus. The boy shuffled nervously. Yuna turned her back on him and flounced off, sweeping Kimahri up in her wake. Tidus had no idea what he had done wrong. And that is how most women prefer to keep it. A guy can say or do something that seems innocuous to him, but suddenly he finds himself getting dirty looks (and not the regular 'dirty' either. I mean the 'wicker toilet seat' degree of dirty), and the silent treatment. Next thing he knows, he's in Big trouble, having apparently Done Something Wrong. The woman will never tell the man what he's done , either. He's supposed to 'just know', or 'figure it out'.

"What!" Tidus asked. "What'd I do?"

"Meanie!" Rikku snapped before flouncing off as well.

"Sucks to be you, brudda." Wakka muttered in sympathy as he followed Auron inside the Travel Agency.

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Everybody do the Lucky Dance! 


	4. Chapter 4

Yay! I updated! This one is kinda short, but ch 5 is turning out longer than expected, so hopefully it will balance out. I apologize if this one seems a little more random or lost than usual, but I don't know where its going at the moment. The characters are running away with this one!

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 4

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't't guess). Rest is in sight as Yuna, Party of Seven, crowd into the Travel Agency.

**Thunder Plains** - Travel Agency - While the 'X's unite against Tidus in one corner, the men are left to handle the lodging arrangements.

Kimahri took up his post by the door while his party waited for their turn at the front desk. There was a customer ahead of them who was one of those self important types who like to make absolutely certain that the rooms meet their high-class standards. They are usually the ones who want to know if the linens have been freshly pressed, who the neighbors are, make sure the mini bar is stocked with only the best, and want the turn down service with the expensive mint.

The Ronso heard a giggle and rolled his yellow eyes as he spied Tidus over by the magazine rack. The blitz ball star was holding a magazine with a scantily clad female on the cover. The title read: (Insert sleazy innuendo-based title here). Tidus was happily reading (I.e. looking at the pictures for educational purposes only) when a large hairy hand slapped itself down right across Miss PinkandPert, and Madam DoubleDeeThirty.

"Hey, I was reading that!" The teen whined in a miffed tone. Kimahri couldn't't care less about the state of Tidus's immortal soul, but he did care about Yuna's reputation. He pointed to a corner of the cover on which was printed in small letters (lest someone actually see them), the words 'Mature readers ONLY!"

"Hey, I can read."

The furry digit stabbed at the warning again, punctuating the motion with a low growl.

"I'm mature!" Tidus replied hotly.

Kimahri snorted, unconvinced. After all, he was talking to someone who thought body parts and various bodily functions were funny. To prove his point, the big blue mountain dweller rumbled "Knockers."

Tidus giggled.

"_What_?!"

Everyone turned at the shout, which was followed by a particularly colorful expletive. As always happens in these cases, there was an abrupt cessation of all background noise, leaving the curse to flutter around in the ringing silence. Auron had just received some very bad news, judging by the way he had braced his arms and leaned over the desk in classic mafia style. "What do you mean there are no more rooms available?" he growled. The poor clerk leaned back, buckling only slightly under the cyclopean gaze. It was a look that said 'I had better have heard you wrong, or it will go very bad for you, friend.'

Rallying, the attendant countered with the 'Sorry, but I've already paid my 'insurance' money this month', and said "I'm sorry, Sir, but the customer ahead of you just booked the last room."

"Well, then I'll just have to tell Lady Yuna _cough, vanquisher of Sin, cough_ that she'll have to sleep outside." Auron replied, attempting the Impress-the-staff-with-your-celebrity technique.

"Sorry, Sir, but we don't have room. I can let you sleep in the utility shed." the man said, using the You-can-shove-it-up-your-bum technique.

"Is that so?" Auron, who was very good at listening between the lines to the things that weren't said, asked in a mild tone.

The clerk swallowed nervously at the unfriendly grin spreading itself across the Unsent Guardian's countenance. It was a grin usually worn by big jungle predators as they leapt out at their victims and shouted 'Surprise!' in a meat-scented growl.

The man, to his credit, stood fast as, at the snap of Auron's fingers the Ronso by the door lumbered towards him with the unstoppable intent of continental drift.

"Kimahri," Auron addressed the Ronso, his eye never leaving the sweating Agency manager. "This man says that there are no more rooms, and has kindly offered to allow Yuna to sleep in a _shack._

The unfortunate clerk swallowed nervously as Kimahri loomed over him and cracked his massive knuckles.

" The nerve of some people!" Rikku snarled in righteous indignation, swinging an arm viciously in the direction of the Travel Agency.

"And suggesting that poor Yunie sleep in a _shack._"

"It's no big deal, really," Yuna replied hastily in an attempt to sooth the fuming girl. It had been much simpler with Kimahri. All she had to do was stroke his ears a few times and scratch his chin, and he was purring puddle of happiness. Rikku and her other Guardians were down right unsoothable (which probably isn't even a real word). _Their_ Summoner, the _High_ Summoner (automatically making her the best), had lost her room to a _commoner (_ turn head and spit in contempt). In the old days travelers would have nearly come to blows to give up their room for a Summoner. Now they could jolly well go find their own.

"At least he'll think twice next time, ya Auron?" Wakka grinned, nudging his Legendary companion in the ribs. Auron replied with a satisfied grunt.

"I can't believe you pulled Masamune and threatened him with Shooting Star!" Tidus laughed.

"He had guts to triple the price to _let_ us stay in the utility shed." Wakka continued in disbelief as if Tidus hadn't spoken. When Wakka had a train of thought on his mind, everyone else's thoughts had to do their best to get out of the way.

"Not even the threat of receiving a curse from an Unsent moved him." Lulu said, impressed with the man's courage in the face of possible annihilation.

Auron grunted and trudged ahead in a foul mood. He had been hoping to spend a few hours dry and warm, but it looked like he would have to wait until they got to Mi'ihen. Yes Guadosalam was along the way, but Auron had the feeling that Yuna and Kimahri would prefer to avoid visiting Bob for quite some time still. After a nearly disastrous birthday party, sneaking through the tiny realm as quickly as possible was very appealing.

As the party came upon the entrance to Guadosalam, Yuna looked back and saw a dark shadow in the distance dart behind a small colony of boulders. She squinted and tried to find it amidst the flashes of lightning, but was unsuccessful. She put it down to nerves and led her group through Guadosalam, which was preformed at a sidling half-crouch, or commando-crawl, while sticking to the shadows.

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Everybody run, Bob's coming! Grab a magazine for Tidus as you run by. Sweet Yevon, he's gaining on us! 


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the delay in posting, I have three major projects that I am working on right now. One is complete, one is large scale and almost done, and I haven't even started the other one yet! So, here's Chapter 5 and it has a mini psychology and genetics lesson in it. See? Education _can_ be fun! Let me know how this chapter turned out.

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 5

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). Rest is in sight as Yuna, Party of Seven, crowd into the Travel Agency.

**Moonflow** - **North Bank Road**- Morning. After running like mad from the entrance to Guadosalam, Yuna and her companions spent the night in the surrounding forest. To avoid detection they slept on the ground, without their tents or a fire.

Kimahri woke his fellow Guardians before dawn, when the Guado nation began showing signs of activity. They crept quietly through the bushes, except for the occasional strangled cry of surprise as Kimahri's Stalk instinct got the better of him. When they finally emerged from the scrub, they were covered in burs, leaves, and in Auron's case, several small insects that thought the pockets and collar of his robe would make a good home. They took several brief moments to tidy up , everyone helping Kimahri pick the burrs out of his fur, then resumed their journey to the Shoopuff Ferry.

"Hey Rikku," Wakka drawled slyly. "Wasn't that the spot back there where you stripped for Tidus?" The small teen, who had been cheerfully walking along side the Islander, froze. So did everyone else. Rikkus' friends stared at her for a painfully long moment, their faces guarded. They were judging her, looking straight into her soul and judging her. She just knew it.

Rikku glared at Wakka as raging indignation and uncertainty warred across her face. It was a total lie, but her Id (that's the little voice inside you that tells you you are doing something immoral, aka your conscience. In psychology it's the opposite of your Ego. ) loomed behind her like the Tsunami of Doubt, reminding her that it was _technically_ true. Rikku wasn't the only one.

"Yeah," Wakka continued, "Tidus told me all about it." Tidus, whose mental Records Keeper, had been busily looking up that particular memory, abandoned the task as the Blitzball player's friends turned their critical gazes on him. He looked nervously between them, mouth gapping. His Records Keeper frantically searched through that memory's dialogue, dumping the whole drawer of files on the floor, then scrabbling among them. Everyone was giving him their undivided attention and none of them looked happy. Lulu looked positively rabid.

"That was a looooong time ago…and …and that's not what I said, Wakka!" Tidus nearly wailed, backing away as he shook his head and hands in denial. "It's not what I said." he repeated, this time to Rikku. "I said 'I didn't know that's what you looked like under the dive suit'. And then Wakka said 'Was she nekkid?' Then I said 'No. She was wearing clothes when you saw her, wasn't she?'" Tidus babbled, mentally reading That Day's Script, as it was handed over with a triumphant flourish by his internal Record's Keeper.

"Why would you even want to know that?" Lulu asked in a curiously casual tone. The question sounded innocent enough, but it was really a cunningly laid trap used by wives, girlfriends, and female company to trap males suspected of lying, cheating, or having fun without them.

Wakka blundered right into it. . .

"It's a guy thing." Wakka snorted. "You know? Like all guys have _Island Sports With Pictures: Beach Edition_ and _Girls and Machina _magazines. Guys always wanna know stuff like that."

…and found himself up to his neck in Evrae apples as three affronted girls glowered back.

Desperate not to sink into the deep doo-doo alone, Wakka fell back on the Buddy Code: If you get caught, take some one down with you. Its nice to have a friend you trust sitting across from you in the holding cell.

"It's a guy thing, right Auron? _You_ would ask the same question."

Three scornful pairs of eyes locked on Auron, hitting him with the sweltering heat of disdain. The one-eyed man faltered under the horribly expectant female gazes. On one hand you had to defend the Brotherhood, but on the other hand the Sisterhood was marginally more powerful and knew how to really make you hurt. It would be done in small ways because girls won't use out right violence when small snipping remarks, cold shoulders, doing _your own _domestic chores, and starvation work just as well. Screw the Brotherhood. Auron _needed_ his greasy meat and gravy.

"No." Auron replied evenly, and quickly added, "Only uncivilized savages would ask those kinds of questions, or even think about that stuff. The three baleful glares turned to gazes of absolute adoration. The Legendary Guardian could almost hear the thoughts of the three X's. The mental conversation ran thusly: _He's so cool! He's like the perfect man and he's all _ours

One of life's many mysteries is the way women can, with a glance share information among themselves, or get information from their fellow females. For eons men have been mystified by the way women always seem to just know, especially when men are lying. Well, its no mystery. The truth is that all women, young or old, possess rudimentary telepathic abilities. When your mom/girlfriend/wife/sister looks at you like she knows what you're thinking its because she _does_.

With his new fan club in tow Auron swaggered up to the ferry, passing people sitting on the many benches. They were always the same people sitting in the same places. None of them ever got on the ferry. That's because they belonged to an organization called The Professional Sitters. This group had members in every city, village, and temple. Its members were often seen sitting on walls, benches piers, docks, boulders, and on the ground.

The Sitters served no practical purpose but to be there and make a place look populated. It was the same with their sister organizations known as The Professional Line Makers, Crowd Makers Guild, 'Ask Me, I Can Help'ers', and Aimless Wanderers Incorporated. The pay was good, considering that they got paid for sitting/standing/and otherwise loafing around all day.

Sweeping into the North Warf, Yuna and her faithful Guardians joined the line for the ferry. Okay, so Yuna just followed along while Kimahri discreetly convinced those ahead of him to let Yuna and her party to the front of the line. This amazing feat was accomplished by smiling, laughing, and companionably patting others on the back. Okay, bearing his fangs, snarling, and hurling people bodily out of the way. Being discreet was not something that Ronsos did well.

The Guardians' progress was hindered by the Hypello attendant. It was standing at the top of the ramp, all bandy legs and scowls. Auron couldn't tell if it was male or female and asking would have been rude. You just don't walk up to an androgynous (that means you can't tell if it's a boy or girl) person and say "Excuse me, my good…fellow human, but you are a boy or a girl?" It's just not done.

"Is there a problem…friend?" Auron inquired smoothly, completely skipping the details concerning gender assignment.

"As a matter of fact, there ish." the Hypello replied, (It was male by the way) "There will be a 175 gil deposhit (here Wakka, Tidus, and Rikku giggled) to ride ze Shoopuff.

"What? Why?" The Unsent Monk growled.

"In cashe of damagesh. That _ish_ the shon of Jecht, ish it not?"

The good old days spent traversing Spira with Braska and Jecht rushed back with all the speed of an avalanche. On the top of the heap was the Jecht vs. Shoopuff incident, shining like a gem at the crest. It waved cheerfully.

"Does he look anything like Jecht?" Auron allowed himself a glimmer of hope since Tidus took after his mother in looks.

The Hypello leaned to the side to look around Auron, then leaned back and treated the warrior monk to a cynical look. Auron turned around slowly, desperately hoping that the boy wasn't doing something hereditary. In the middle of his companions was Tidus. He wasn't doing anything.

The blond was just standing there, but that's the thing about genetics. It's a tricky bugger. Just because your phenotype (that means physical appearance) is nothing like your father's, your genotype (genetic makeup) can be a nearly perfect copy. It's the luck of the Punnette square. Feeling Auron's gaze boring into him, Tidus rubbed the back of his head, a modification of that stupid neck rubbing thing that Jecht did whenever he was uncomfortable. It was just a gesture, but JECHT was etched into every line and movement of his body, boldly proclaiming 'Yes, I _am_ the son of Sin!'

The Legendary Guardian let his breath out in a frustrated puff. He looked down the line at Kimahri and nodded slightly. Kimahri held up a fist eagerly. Auron quickly shook his head. The Ronso slowly uncurled his hand and looked at the older man questioningly. Auron gave a slight nod of approval.

Kimhri delivered an inexpert, yet effective slap to the back to Tidus' head. It was just a slap since only Auron could correctly execute a Hand of Justice.

"Ow!" Tidus exclaimed, the number 10 floating in the air above him, "What was that for?"

"Genetics."

"Sir Auron," Yuna chided sternly. It was like being savaged by a butterfly. "You shouldn't punish the son for the crimes of the father."

"Yes, but the apple never falls far from the tree."

Yuna fell silent for a moment, a determined look crossing her face. _So, he wanted to talk religion did he?_

"But is it not written that the curse of the father shall not fall upon the son?"

"Foolishness isn't a curse, its genetic."

"Before Yevon we are all equally wise and equally foolish."

"True. But it is also written: spare not the rod from the back of a fool."

Yuna frowned. Auron seemed to be enjoying this little spat, but she had studied the Teachings much longer than he had.

"It is also written: A man's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating." She raised her Nirvana staff in what she hoped was a threatening gesture. Auron stared a her for a moment before realizing she had just threatened him with bodily harm. He had lots of replies to that last one, some of them were quite witty, but all of them were unfit for public ears. Besides Yuna was actually upset with him. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care.

"Fine." Auron grumbled, handing over the deposit. "I don't want have to listen to him cry all the way to Djose."

Even though he hadn't done anything, Tidus couldn't shake the feeling that he had gotten off with a light warning. An inexpert Hand of Justice was better that Kimahri's Fist of Discipline, which was basically a vertical hammer fist to the top of the head. He wisely ignore the crybaby-related remark, and kept his mouth shut. Yuna had once told him that 'A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult'. He did it mostly because girls seemed to be attracted to guys who weren't afraid to cry. He tested his theory often, especially after loosing a Blitzball game.

With the deposit on the Shoofpuff paid, the vanquishers of Sin loaded up and headed for the opposite bank and hopefully a nice dry Travel Agency to spend the night in. As the Shoopuff began its slow swim, the bushes by the docks rustled.

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If you are interested in joining the Sitters, or any of the other groups, please contact the Spirian Job Corp. 


	6. Chapter 6

Woot! Chapter 6! There is a special message on my Profile page for everyone who reads, if you are interested. It should be the first thing at the top. I paid a little more attention to the quality and I hope this makes up for chapter 5. Enjoy!

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 6

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). Rest is in sight as Yuna, Party of Seven, crowd into the Travel Agency.

**Moonflow- South Warf- Shoopuff Ferry-** Noon. Our heroes are disembarking from the ferry minus one member.

Kimahri sagged with relief as soon as Yuna's feet touched the platform. He was always nervous about Shoopuff rides, not because of the water, but because Yuna had jumped off into the water when she was younger. Yes, she had a mischievous streak and Tidus tended to exacerbate it. So, just to be on the safe side he had securely bound his young charge with a few spare belts off Lulu's dress and chucked Tidus into the Moonflow when he suggested that swimming with the Shoopuff would be fun. Of course Yuna had been upset, but with her new Safety Belts securely buckled, all she could do was watch the scenery and tell Kimahri he had 'not been very nice.'

After unloading and giving Lulu back her belts, the party headed for the Item Shop to pick up a few things. Moments later Tidus did a wonderful impression of a leaping trout and landed with a soggy splat on the dock. As he dragged himself onto dry land beside the enormous pachyderm-like beast, something interesting caught his eye…

Yuna and Company were well on their way down South Bank Road when Lulu noticed something was amiss. She paused and spoke two words that sent the chill breath of panic racing down everyone's spines,

'Where's Tidus?" There was a synchronized group turn as the Guardians rushed back to the wharf. Their biggest concern was that Tidus was talking to some one, which was no big deal in itself. (Except Yuna, who was actually concerned about his wellbeing.)

It was when conversation went from, 'Hi, my name is Tidus' to 'I'm from Zanarkand, a thousand years ago.'…'My father was Sin,'… 'I was dreamed up by the Fayth,'… 'Look what I can do,' that things got scary.

Reaching the ferry grounds everyone immediately fanned out in search of Yuna's wayward Guardian, except Auron. Yuna had insisted that he stay at the 'meet up point'. The reason she gave him was that his bright red coat would be easiest to spot. Auron knew that if she really wanted someone easy to spot, she would have chosen Wakka, whose glaringly bright yellow uniform and quail-like hairdo would stand out in an exploded caution tape factory. He had the suspicion that she didn't want him to find Tidus first and administer the Hand of Justice. So there he stood, chafing with inaction.

While quietly fuming, Auron happened to glance towards the loading dock and spy Tidus. He watched the boy, writhing with curiosity, as the blond stared up at the Shoopuff. He was momentarily taken aback until he realized what had so captivated the teen. He watched as Wakka joined Tidus on the platform…

"There you are! We almost left you here brudda." Wakka said, grasping Tidus elbow. He turned, intending to tow the youth along, but found himself stopped as suddenly as a dog hitting the end of its chain at a full gallop.

"Hey, what're you just standing around for?" the red-haired Islander gave the blond's shoulder a shove and suddenly found his biceps locked in a fierce grip.

_"Aren't those the biggest knockers you've ever seen?!" _Tidus hissed in awe, giving his friend a shake.

Wakka blinked in confusion, then followed the trembling finger that was thrust out towards the beast's forequarters. Yep. This Shoopuff was definitely a female. He turned a guarded look on Tidus, seriously concerned for the boy's mental health. He made a note to have Lulu stop by his house once they got home. He may have let the cleaning go and the fungus could have started growing again.

After a moment Tidus shouted excitedly, "Its like the Lulu of the Shoopuff world!" Wakka clapped a had over Tidus' mouth, hissing him into silence.

"She'll hear you!" he squeaked, eyes swiveling frantically, horrified that Lulu might come marching up in righteous anger at any moment.

"But-!"

Acting quickly Wakka cast Sleep sighing in relief as the boy folded into a heap with a giggle.

**Djose**-**Pilgrimage Road**- Late afternoon. Our Guardians had a nice quiet journey and are hoping to spend a quiet evening resting at the temple.

"Kimahri." Yuna gently chided the Ronso as she looked back to see him carrying Tidus caveman style (I.e. thrown over one shoulder and dangling by a leg). The towering humanoid grinned at her as Wakka and Auron tried to stifle their snickering. There was just something hilarious about the way an unconscious body jiggled around when swinging from someone's back. It was even funnier because the little z's from the Sleep spell formed a little trail in the air as he bounced. Kimahri rumbled an apology and adjusted Tidus into a more appropriate position. It wasn't as amusing, but it did get a few discreet sniggers.

As they drew near the temple, the Sleep spell began wearing off and Tidus began to stir. The first thing he noticed was a persistent smell that seemed to be a strange cocktail of musty air from an old garage, damp cardboard boxes, and old carpeting. He muzzily pondered the smell until his brain woke up enough to identify it as 'CAT'. The young blitz ball player groaned and rolled sideways off the Ronso's shoulder to land on the unforgiving cobbles.

Tidus started to push himself up, but at the sight of Yuna rushing towards him in concern, he experienced a sudden crippling pain. It wasn't emanating from any specific area, it was a general pain for sympathy gathering purposes. It turned out to be a mistake.

"Tidus, are you okay?" Yuna asked in concern, crouching down beside him. Tidus groaned and flopped backwards, drawing Rikku over too. While they poured out hugs and kissed invisible boo-boo's a troop of monkeys rushed over to stare at Tidus. Then they stole all his gil.

To everyone's utter bemusement, a lone Cactuar leapt from the bushes and began beating off the monkeys with a tin cup, chittering angrily. Then it set down its little cup and held up a sigh, giving it a hopeful wiggle.

"Isn't that the one from the Thunder Plains?" Rikku whispered to Lulu.

"Looks like it. You can still see Tidus' boot print."

Tidus rose and stared down at the small cactus fiend, rubbing the back of his head

in awkward embarrassment. The whole punting incident rose to the front of his mind shouting and twirling its shirt over its metaphysical head. He shuffled his feet. He knew he should probably apologize seeing as how it had just saved him, but on the other hand it _did _steal his crayons. Yuna nudged him in the ribs.

"Oh…um thanks. Sorry about earlier." Yuna nudged him again and delicately waggled her eyebrows at the little tin cup sitting on the ground. Tidus picked up some of his scattered gil and dropped it in.

"Here you go little guy."

The Cactuar bristled.

"She's a girl. Duh!" Rikku said indignantly.

"How can you tell?!" Tidus exclaimed, "They all look the _same_." Rikku sighed. Shaking her head in disgust.

"Specieist! The girls have little flowers on their heads, you know." the Al Bhed teen pointed at the tiny pink flower blooming on the top of the Cactuar's prickly head.

"Whatever."

The little green cactus fiend put down the cardboard sign and performed the traditional Cactuar Dance. "That was wonderful!" Yuna exclaimed when the dance was over. "_Wasn't it _everyone?" The young Summoner looked at her companions meaningfully as she made an exaggerated clapping motion. The light went on and everyone enthusiastically nodded agreement and applauded, except Wakka, who she had to kick. The little Cactuar scuttled up to Yuna at the end and bowed, then kicked Tidus in the shin and beetled off into the bushes.

"Hurry up." Auron muttered as Tidus limped the last few feet towards the temple grounds, completely bypassing the long line for the Inn.

"My leg hurts." the boy whined.

"Its just a few cactus needles. Barely a flesh wound."

"They still hurt!"

"Crybaby."

"I'm not a crybaby. Yuna, he called me a crybaby!"

Auron rolled his eye.

"He doesn't mean it." Yuna soothed, "Sir Auron's just-"

"Old!" Tidus interjected with a baleful glare.

"Irritated." Yuna finished. Everyone paused and looked at Auron.

Auron scowled down at Rikku as she circled him thoughtfully.

"Hmm. I'd say 'annoyed.'"

"Looks more like… 'aggravated' , ya?"

"Um…definitely 'irked'." Auron frowned at Lulu. The Black Mage had the audacity to smile back. Probably because there wasn't anything on Spira that she feared, except maybe being trapped in a closet with Wakka after he had several bowls of Spicy Funguar.

Once everyone was done teasing Auron, Yuna and Company made their way through the unusually large crowd of people to the temple doors. Inside, the temple was even more crowded, with priests rushing back and forth like disturbed wasps. Auron spent several moments trying to collar a monk, but was unsuccessful.

"Time for plan B." Lulu stated with a hint of a smile.

"Okay," Auron, replied turning to Tidus.

"Plan B?" Rikku said, "What's plan B? Ooooh tell me! Tell me!" Auron grinned into his collar and gave Tidus' shoulder a slap.

"Go tell the priest that High Summoner Yuna is here. He's in _there_." the warrior monk pointed towards the stairs leading to the chamber of the Fayth.

"Right!" Tidus said brightly, weaving his way through the congested Great Hall.

Wakka turned an incredulous look on the older man,

"Only Summoners can enter the Chamber of the Fayth!"

"And who nearly charged through the priests in Besaid because Yuna was taking too long? Signs like 'No Admittance Under Any Circumstances' and Authorized Personnel Only' only apply to others. For Tidus they're merely suggestions.

"Either that or he's still illiterate to Spira's main languages," Lulu mused.

Rikku snorted derisively,

"He sure has no problem reading the boxes in the store rooms to find the sweets. And he definitely didn't have any trouble reading the magazines back at the Travel Agency."

"That's because he was only looking at the pictures." Lulu muttered.

As Spira's heroes waited for Tidus to return, they endured being bumped and jostled by excited looking travelers, scurrying novice priests, nuns, and men carrying carefully concealed items. Auron's patience was already running thin after several attempts to acquire help. There was obviously some major event tonight, but they should have dropped everything for the High Summoner. He watched Yuna suffering patiently through the press of bodies and wished that just once she would loose her temper. He stiffened as two men carrying a large contraption covered in black cloth, nearly knocking her off her feet.

"Watch it!" one of the men snapped. There was a low growl from behind him that rumbled like a shifting mountain. Yuna's Guardians watched eagerly as the man turned slowly, eyes swiveling reluctantly to see an unhappy looking Ronso looming over him. Kimahri loomed with all the malice of an impending land slide. He bristled, every hair standing on end and fixed the man with a glare that let him know that Kimahri had accidentally stepped on slime that was more noteworthy than him.

"This is the High Summoner you're snapping at, friend." Auron said, grinning horribly at the two men.

"Yeah," Wakka interjected, "Yevon's watching you!" It was lame, probably the lamest comeback of all time, but the men paused and exchanged uncertain glances with each other and Yuna. The two men manhandling the large object thought about this for a moment, then one of them said in a low, curious voice, "Really?"

"Yes." Yuna replied quickly, needing to vent a little for all the rough treatment.

The man pondered this then said with cautious triumph, "I thought Yevon was destroyed." To which Yuna replied, "Yes, but he was not Sent, so now his spirit is every where. Watching us. All the time."

"Oh. Right then. Sorry about the misunderstanding." they apologized, and hurried off, casting nervous glancing at the ceiling.

It was around this time that Tidus returned, ducking and dodging thorough the crowd. This time he wasn't being pursued by the High Priest, seeing as the man was nowhere to be found.

Growing impatient, Auron led his companions in a search for the elusive High Priest. It was slow going for everyone but Auron, who was the only one able to walk unhindered through the mob. Literally unhindered due to being Unsent. He could have faded through the human obstacles, but as a Guardian he had to stay with his Summoner. Everyone else resorted to the lessons learned in kindergarten, namely walking in a straight line while holding hands. They also used Kimahri as a bipedal snow plow.

The milling crowd suddenly disgorged our heroes right in front of Donna and her Guardian Barthello.

"Well, well,well. If it isn't-," the arrogant woman began, only to be cut off by Barthello's sudden bellow.

"Sir Auron!!! Wow! Its such an honor to be in your presence again!" Auron stepped back in the face of his explosive enthusiasm.

"Look! Just as I promised, I haven't washed my hand since the day you shook it." The beefy Guardian held up his right hand and reverently removed the scrap of waterproof sacking he had tied over it. The hand beneath it was crusted with dead skin, several species of a fuzzy white fungus, and was decidedly wrinkly from retained moisture. There was no doubt in Auron's mind that the blotchy skin and yellowing nails were the breeding ground of at least fifteen new diseases.

"Very…good?" Auron suggested, trying to ignore the sound of Rikku gagging behind him.

" Put that away!" Donna snapped, rolling her eyes.

"Awww, Donna." Barthello whined, pulling the cover back on. Auron contemplated shaking the man's hand, just to see how he would manage without both hands.

"We were going to stop here for the night," Donna said, as if someone had cared enough to ask. "But they don't have any rooms."

"What?" Yuna's Guardians all groaned at once. It was turning out to be one of those trips where everything just seemed to go wrong. Tidus and Wakka discreetly stepped away from Auron's immediate vicinity. From the flushed look on his face, it wasn't going to take much more to set him off.

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Wow. I would be seriously concerned about anyone who found animal mammaries _that_ fascinating. Tidus needs to get out more. Feel free to leave a review. If you don't, that's okay, but remember Yevon is watching you!


	7. Chapter 7

Hallo everyone! I've _finally_ posted. Thanks for being so patient with me. I think I'm going to stick to the shorter fics from now on, since the longer ones don't seem to turn out all that great. Anyway, I've got nothing against boybands, I just thought it would be funny to write about one! Well, enjoy!

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Title: Random Bits 12 - Chapter 7

Setting: Yuna's Guardians are escorting her back from a visit to Macalania Temple (in Macalania if you couldn't guess). Rest is in sight as Yuna, Party of Seven, crowd into the Travel Agency.

**Djose Temple - Great Hall - **Everyone has just been informed that there is no room at the temple or the Inn because the band, their crew, and bodyguards have rented all the rooms.

"So the entire temple is being _rented_ by a band?" Auron said stoically. "Is it safe to assume that the Inn is full of -"

"Their loyal fans." Lulu interjected sourly.

"A band!" Rikku gasped excitedly.

"Yeah," Donna sniffed, "it's the latest new craze in music. They're a group of teen boys -"

"Oh great! Tidus said with an almighty groan, his eyes rolling to the ceiling, "a _boy band_." The last was said vehemently.

"What's a boy band?" Wakka asked curiously.

"It's a group of three to five thirteen year old boys who moan into a microphone. They're a huge hit until they suddenly hit puberty, quit until their voices stop cracking, then come back with a vengeance. They're outrageously famous, start dressing like freaks, piercing every available inch of lip, nose, and earlobe, not to mention more tender areas, then turn twenty and fade into obscurity."

Tidus' companions listened with rapt and confused attention as the blond explained the horrors of the 'boy band'.

"Girls from the ages of seven to nineteen go nuts over them and start fighting over who so-and-so likes better, even though the guy doesn't even know she exists! 'He likes me better because he likes girls with brown eyes' and He likes me more because I have short hair.' Its just retarded! At their concerts the girls scream so loud you can't even hear the music, throw their underwear on stage, then either cry or faint."

The young blitz ball star's rant was cut short as the doors to the temple burst open and four young teens eclipsed the doorway.

"Oh Yevon, Its NoSync!!!" Rikku squealed. The crowd turned as one and surged towards NoSync with a fanatic roar. Yuna's party was swept up in the rush. "Donnaaaaaa!" Barthello bellowed as his Summoner was carried off. He climbed up the leg of the nearest temple statue (which happened to be one dedicated to Gida, a male Summoner who had been known as somewhat of a lady killer. His lower region provided Barthello with an excellent hand up.) Hauling himself up, the heavily muscled Guardian paused to strike a dramatic pose on Gida's nether region, then dove into the surging crowd with all the grace of a dead beaver. The crowd parted ranks just long enough to allow him to get to know the temple floor on a rather intimate level, then filled in the gap.

Tidus managed to grab both Rikku and Yuna as they were swept past. He braced himself against the flow of bodies and hauled with all his might until they were tossed against a pillar. Gasping and flailing, the trio were forcefully Ejected from the stampede and huddled behind the safety of the pillar. He scanned the surging herd and spotted Wakka and Lulu peering out from behind a shielding statue, but there was no sign of Kimahri. There _was_ an occasional sign of Auron in the form of a desperately waving arm or brief flash of red as the mob heaved over and around him.

As quickly as it had come, the stampede of females passed and crashed into the waiting band, leaving Yuna and her party dazed and shaken.

"How horrible!" Yuna whispered, in horrified amazement as the girls screamed and began tearing off every loose article of clothing.

"Disgraceful." Lulu snarled acidly, her and Wakka venturing out from the safety of their hiding place. The scene before them was just like Tidus had described it. Girls were screaming, fainting, tearing off their clothes and climbing over each other to get to the front. It looked like someone had thrown a Hershey's bar into the middle of a group of half starved underwear models.

Yuna looked up as a small rain of rock and plaster pattered down around her to see Kimahri clinging at the top of a pillar. He skittered down the pillar and landed with self-conscious clicking of claws, then hissed at the hysterical mob. The Guardianship jumped at the sound of running feet behind them, then relaxed as a stream of priests and nuns rushed by to restore order, or in the novice priests' case, ogle the young women.

"Oh, Sir Auron!" Yuna gasped, finally noticing his trampled form in the middle of the floor. She rushed over and knelt beside him as he calmly pushed himself to his knees. That little vein on his forehead was twitching, and he seemed utterly unperturbed. These were not good signs. He waved her away as she tried to help him up, cheerfully insisting that he was fine as he took time to smooth down his disheveled coat.

Yuna turned a worried look to her companions, and found them all sheltering behind the pillar. The young Summoner suddenly felt a knot of dread twist her stomach. Someone was about to take a trip down Auron's Highway of Rage (which had recently acquired some rather deep potholes filled with muddy water that hid wickedly rusty nails). He glanced casually towards the door to the Anteroom, where the priests and nuns were pouring out of. To Yuna's utter horror the Legendary Guardian snaked out a leg and tripped the High priest as he limped by.

Auron rarely lost his temper, at least outwardly. He preferred to bundle his irritation into a neat little packet and let it steep in the heat of anger until it was just about to boil. The result was a cold, condensed anger that was much more useful than blazing hot rage. This was anger that could think.

"Oh, are you alright? That was a nasty fall you just took there." Auron said conversationally, as he helped the old man up and generously helped brush him down and adjust his vestments (that means clothes).

"Say there, friend, you wouldn't happen to have any spare rooms the High Summoner Lady Yuna could borrow for the night would you?" he inquired. Tidus shivered involuntarily from behind the safety of Kimahri's bulk. Auron using the word 'friend' in such a cheerful way carried with it all the horror of being home alone, showering and seeing a shadow rise against the curtain at the same time you remembered that you forgot to lock the front door. Scary stuff. (Insert classic horror-movie soundtrack.)

"I'm very sorry, sir, but all the rooms are spoken for. These nice lads reserved them several weeks ago." the elderly priest mumbled.

"I see." the Legendary Guardian paused with an exaggerated frown. So, reserved meant 'paid for'. They must have offered quite a bit of gil to reserve the entire temple.

"I guess the High Summoner isn't as well respected anymore." said Auron, making a great show of thinking aloud. The priest swallowed nervously.

"If I'd have known that travelers could hold a room, I'd have _reserved_ (here the warrior monk spat the word like a curse) one myself. Let the Summoners fend for themselves!"

"Um…yes?" the wizened man ventured, unsure of exactly where the conversation was going.

Hmf! The High Summoner can sleep in the Chamber of the Fayth! I'm sure Ixion's Fayth would be glad of the company." Auron continued in that same unnervingly cheerful tone.

"Who cares if she has to sleep on the cold, hard floor, right?" he advanced threateningly until he was chest to nose with the ancient man.

"Right?" he repeated as he loomed over the little priest, a terrible smile stretching across his face, causing a unsettling ripple in his scar. The old man's Adam's apple bobbed like a frightened quail. He'd only ever seen a smile like that on a Chocobo Eater. There were a few less scales, but that smile was definitely the same.

Terror and an intense desire to continue living dredged up a dusty tome from memory. The words 'Yevon's 101 tricks for Staying Alive' was stamped in peeling gold leaf on the cracked and moldy cover (which was made from the skin of infidels, which was the only proper way to bind any holy text). Number 15 seemed appropriate.

Yuna and her friends made various sounds (gasps, croaks, screams, chokes, whimpers, and in some cases farts) of shock and/or surprise as the elderly priest made a sound like a crow being run over by a lawn mower, and collapsed on the floor. The group's immediate reaction was to take one large, synchronized step back. The second was to look around incase others had seen. Fortunately, most of the mob was involved in a riot that had broken out after one of the band members wiped his face on a hankie, then tossed it into the crowd. Apparently celebrity sweat is highly collectable.

"Hey, old man," Tidus whispered to Auron. "I think he's dead!" A leaden silence thudded down on their small group, accompanied by the We're-In-Trouble feeling. Auron frowned at the fallen priest, unconvinced, while Wakka gently prodded the old man with the end of Yuna's staff.

"Let's go before someone sees us." Tidus urged. His instincts were screaming that right about now they should be shoving their hands into their pockets while walking nonchalantly away, and possibly whistling.

"You're not dead." Auron said, a tad disappointed. "Look, I can see you breathing."

"Yeah," Wakka added. "and I just saw you peek at us!" Auron snorted, "Look, I'm Unsent. I'd know if you were dead. We Unsent can tell." He looked to Kimahri just to be sure. The Ronso stalked over and crouched down next to the supine priest, who to his credit didn't even twitch. Kimahri sniffed him, snorted, then shook his head. The guy smelled like all old men his age (mostly because the urge to bathe daily becomes a matter of feeling like it), but he didn't smell dead.

Yuna sighed, realizing that this could go on for hours, and decided to put a stop to it.

"Sir Auron, we're leaving." she said in what she hoped was a voice filled with the weight of authority. Then without waiting to see if he followed or not, herded the rest of her Guardians out.

"This is ridiculous!" Auron grumbled to himself, storming out of the temple to join his companions. "A Summoner shouldn't be turned out because a bunch of pimply faced, thumb-sucking little Sand Rats decide to take a world tour. As he stomped by the Supply facility, he spied the little Cactuar, still begging for gil. He briefly considered an idea that suddenly struck him. A suddenly passing cloud sent a little ray of sunshine to fall on the Cactuar. It was as if the gods of Vengeance were saying _go for it man!_

The older Guardian beckoned to the Cactuar, holding out a whole handful of gil (which he had no qualms about spending since it belonged to Tidus anyway).

"This is from the Lady Yuna," he said as the cactus scooted up. "who really liked your dance. She was going to invite you to dance for the temple and pass around the old offering pan afterwards, but…" Auron paused for dramatic effect. " Then she found out that those boys over there (he pointed to the band as the temple doors slowly closed) crack open Cactuars and drink their juices."

The little Cactuar squeaked in horror. "Yeah, its disgusting." Auron continued, "Then they rip the adorable little flowers off the girls' heads and make _souvenirs _out of them." The succulent squealed and covered its little flower protectively. "Lady Yuna told them it was wrong, but the priests kicked her out of the temple. Well, see you later." Auron patted the ambulating cactus on the head and marched away, grinning into his collar.

As he left, the Cactuar flipped in the air and scuttled malevolently towards the temple. Auron was just catching up to his party when the air was filled with the screams of a lot of people trying to avoid a lot of Cactaur spines.

The veteran Guardian relaxed somewhat, the boiling pot of anger just starting to simmer down. It shot back up to near flash point as Tidus started to try to cheer up Yuna, by doing the Happy Dance, which was a lot like the Lucky Dance, only stupider. "Don't worry Yuna," Tidus said cheerfully, daring to pat Yuna on the shoulder in the presence of Kimahri. " We can always stay at Mi'ihen!" Tidus had forgotten about the prank he and Rikku had played on Auron a long time ago, but Auron hadn't. Yuna and Wakka desperately tried to cover the blond boy's mouth as if they could somehow trap the words before they reached Auron's ears. But it was too late, the words splashed into the seething cauldron of distilled rage and set off an unstoppable chemical reaction…

"Mi'ihen!" the Legendary Guardian roared, then promptly exploded with a sound like a fireworks festival in full swing.

"Quick!" Wakka screamed, ducking and dodging the shower of pyre flies as he ran with his arms over his head. "Run before he pulls himself together!"

Kimahri sprinted past as pyre flies whizzed by, fur standing on end, with a girl under each arm and one hanging from his neck. Tidus was already a speck in the distance, a flaming line of dirt marking his passing as he cast Hastega on himself. It would take Auron a while to pull himself together, but when he did, there was going to be a whole lot of travelers on his Highway of Rage.

End.

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I apologize for the horrible band name. I know it's not very original. In case I did offend anyone who likes boy bands, I confess that I like the BackStreet Boys. And to make it up to you, have some complimentary NoSync tickets on me! 


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